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Boating: Locals or “Locos” stick together

March 30, 2011
by boatguy Ed

Overheard something at a local watering hole during an impromptu 'Dead End Canal Yacht Club' gathering. “It's been nuts around here for several weeks with spring break on the beach and maximum occupancy everywhere else,” said Tiki John.

“It's tough getting in our favorite spaces at the waterfront restaurant docks, too! There are too many lake boaters on the river and in the Back Bay. The other day I watched 13 brave souls, one carrying an infant, get into a 28-foot center console boat and drive away without anyone saying a word,” said Captain Roger.

“Oh sure, they had a life jacket for everyone on board, I bet! How could the dock master have allowed them to load up without saying something,” asked Boston Bob.

“I've seen worse than that on Buckeye Lake and Lake Erie,” said Ohio Bill. “The more the merrier and damned the torpedoes, full speed ahead.”

“I mean they didn't even have the baby, who couldn't be more than a month old, in an infant life jacket. I'm sure they made it back home because I'd have heard if they hadn't, but I think that skipper should turn himself in to the Coasties, retroactively,” said Cap'n Roger.

“I couldn't say what state would foster such a reckless skipper, but it only goes to show you how much we need boater education and licensing,” said Ohio Bill.

“I'm totally against licensing,” said Boat-salesman Tony, “but I believe serving Rum Runners to anyone on a boat should be against the LAW! Remember that idiot who was refused service at XYZ restaurant because he was already drunk. He did donuts in the marina and tossed my boat half way up a piling. He blamed it on a stuck throttle and convinced the judge his girlfriend was driving, but I got a complete Imron paint job out of his insurance company!”

“I'm not sure how drunk you could get with these bartenders,” said Security Dan. “I've had this empty beer bottle teetering on the very edge of the bar for at least ten minutes and neither one of these Angels can see it!”

“That's right, take advantage of my sobriety,” said Cap'n Crunch. He was one of three designated drivers on this boating pub crawl.

“I was in here the other day, and there were half as many people and it wasn’t any easier,” said Dan.

“Have pity on 'em! They're tired from making all that money. You can tell because their eyeballs roll around so crazily in their eye sockets, never coming to rest on needy patron or empty bottle,” said Ohio Bill. The entire group laughed heartily.

“Maybe they can only ring so much money an hour into those fancy, picture screen cash registers. Just wait until June and see if they are any more attentive,” said Cap'n Crunch as he stood up and let out a two-finger whistle that brought all conversation to a halt. He shouted, “Can I get another iced tea!”

After the indignant bartender delivered the drinks, Security Dan said, “I called a bartender on my cell phone a couple of months ago, and she refuses to serve me to this very day.”

“I wonder if people in the ice cream parlors have the same problems,” mused Ohio Bill, “but I guess we'll never know unless they start serving beer!”

“At this time of year I wonder if the local is a dying breed? I miss summer when you know almost everyone at happy hour and the bartenders are glad to see you and are very attentive,” said Cap'n Roger.

“Yeah and the waterfront restaurants and bars will fight over our business. Maybe the Fish Monger is right to close June through September, but I always thought that having year-round restaurants was a sign of a successful and maturing area,” said Cap'n Crunch.

“There may be others that close down..... but not voluntarily,” said Boat-salesman Tony. “I've learned a lot about loco's, I mean locals, slip of the tongue, sorry! Locals stick together in good ways and bad. I've gotten more referrals from local people.”

“I kinda like the 'loco local' nickname,” said Boston Bob. “I don't believe any of our locals are 'loco,' but they are very protective of their communities. I guess it's natural to stick together because, when the money goes back north, we'll still be here!”

“Yeah but we'll be having all the real Florida fun!” To that we drank our beer, ice teas and our cranberry and sodas. And here's hoping everyone is still in business next season!

Boatguy Ed is a retired bottom paint maker and is currently a volunteer extra on his son's Boater's Treasures television show that sells half priced dining certificates, Send your comments to, I dare you!



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