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Boating: Mail, mail, mail piling up, up, up!

August 2, 2011
By boatguy Ed , Fort Myers Beach Bulletin, Fort Myers Beach Observer

Dear Readers: Way too much mail for this time of year, and I've fallen behind. If most of the letters are from worried boaters, that is understandable in these uncertain times. Since this paper is published on Wednesdays, it will be settled one way or another before you read this.

Dear Ed:

My Dad put the family boat up for sale last week, and it is worrying my sister and me. I think it is unfair since I am 15 and my sister is 13, and we will soon be out of boating luck. Our family has been boaters ever since my great grandfather served in the Navy during World War I. My grandfather was practically raised on the water before joining the Marines in WW II.

My father served in the Air Force during Vietnam, and all of them handed down a boat to the next generation. My Dad is convinced that we are facing Armageddon. I've attached a copy of the boat ad and would like you to tell my Dad what you think of his idea! Thanks, Chip.

To Chip's Dad:

What is the matter with you, boy? Sure times are tough and our politicians are insane but don't go off the deep end. Almost nothing can be bad enough to make you sell your boat at this time. This is the time to buy a drastically undervalued boat, not try to sell your boat for book value. This debt crisis is all political and I'm sure that IF the Congress can't reach an agreement, Obama will invoke the 14th Amendment and the impeaching process will begin! (To Chip; not to worry; boat won't sell at that price!)

Dear Boatguy:

Where are the club members hanging out these days? I see you out but most of the rest are nowhere to be found? What gives? Signed Marge from Minnesota.

Margie Baby:

I'm so glad to get your note. I keep seeing you and your worse half at the Big Game Waterfront Grill around happy hour because they have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap for an incredibly inexpensive price. As you know the rest of the club are beer neophytes who don't know a lager from a bucket of dirty dishwater.

Since most of the restaurants and bars are giving it away, five dollar appetizers, dollar drafts, two-for-one dinners and an array of other incentives, this has scattered the club into many different venues. They are also staying in the garages along the canal talking the price of gold and worrying over the debt. Keep coming around and I might even let Clyde buy me a beer. (Editor's Note; BG doesn't allow anyone to buy him a beer.)

BG:

So you're putting your wife to work again? She already has at least two jobs, so why is she opening up a 'U Sell It' Storage place on San Carlos? From New York Lou.

Louise:

She a workaholic, and she needs to take care of a poor old retired guy, like me. We are saving up for a steel trawler the size of a small freighter so we can sail off into the sunset before the Armageddon reaches Southwest Florida. I'm not sure I want to leave because I think if Obama invokes the Constitution there will be an attempt at impeachment, and I so enjoyed the drama of Clinton's trial. Any way you can find us next to Jerry's Tire near the old Albertson's, now Publix, at Summerlin and San Carlos.

Okay, I've got time for one more short one.

Dear Boatguy:

I am a 28-year old divorcee who has recently spent a lot of time at a spa in the Grand Caymans as part of my divorce settlement. I was wondering if you need an updated commercial for 'Super' Shipbottom Antifouling Bottom Paint. I'm in better shape than your current model and can speak those silly lines quite well. Can I contact you directly for an interview? Signed Hot Cayman Lady.

Dear Hot Cayman Lady: The answer is N O! My wife does all the casting these days for commercials and my son's 'Boater's Treasures TV' show. Our original commercial was unintentionally enhanced by a very sexy model who delivered the "My boat bottom is always cleaner when I use 'Super' Shipbottom Antifouling Bottom Paint" incorrectly. That was what she was supposed to say but instead she said, "My bottom is always cleaner...." Since she was standing in front of a freshly bottom painted boat while holding a long-handle roller, I assumed everyone would understand she meant the boat. I've included Marion's contact info in the e-mail reply.

Hold the presses, Run-aground is shouting something across the canal about the Democrats giving up. He isn't talking to me but to Cap'n Crunch. I just turned on Fox News, and I can't tell who won without the sound on. I need to get this column to bed, as they say in the newspaper business. If I start watching Fox, I'll be there all day.

Boatguy Ed is a retired paint manufacturer working toward a nomination for a Pulitzer Prize. If you think he deserves just the nomination, not the whole prize, oh my gosh, no! Send your yes vote to boatguiEd@aol.com. Or go to www.boaterstreasures.com. Wouldn't it be nice if you personally knew someone nominated for a Pulitzer?

 
 

 

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