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Resolutions for the New Year, or maybe not

January 9, 2013
By Larry DeHays , Fort Myers Beach Bulletin, Fort Myers Beach Observer

If I'm in a cashier line at a store, I sometimes jump to a shorter line, because I'm in a hurry and I'm not very patient as I wait.

Every time I do that, the person in front of me has coupons, food stamps, unmarked merchandise, and something to return and wants to pay the exact change from an old rubber change purse. Every time. I hereby resolve to stop jumping waiting lines. I'll just ask the person behind me to wake me when it's my turn.

When I'm driving on a multi-lane highway, the fastest traffic is in a lane I am not in. Always. I also resolve to stay in one lane for each entire trip, let the chips fall where they may. If my lane ends, I'll pitch a tent there and camp out until it opens.

Long ago I chose to buy stock in Independence Bank, which was bought by Colonial Bank, which went broke. I bought corporate bonds in the safest company imaginable, General Motors. They went broke. I bought Yahoo when they started up. For years I gleefully counted my "cyber money" that was accumulating. Then they tanked, and I rode them all the way down to what I paid for it. If there is a company you don't like, for a fee, I'll buy stock in them and that will finish them. Stockbuyer for hire, that's me. Have checkbook, will travel.

Health Management Associates were recently skewered on "60 Minutes" for fraudulent practices, so I sold my stock in them. The stock has risen ever since. I hereby resolve to give up picking stocks. I'll put money in coffee cans and bury it in the yard. The raccoons will try to dig them up. I'll shoot the coons, and go to jail for it, and then I won't need the money anyway. I hear they have a free lunch. I've had lots of customers who were looking for something like that.

When my buddy, Tucker, and I run a boat from Fort Myers Beach to the Florida Keys, the wind always blows from the south. Hard. When we run the boat back, it blows from the north. Harder. I think Tucker ticked off the Big Guy sometime in his past. I resolve to stop going with my ex-buddy Tucker. Maybe just take larger boats. The Queen Mary comes to mind. Yeah, we'll probably do another trip.

When you resist Chinese handcuffs, they grab even tighter. I resolve to stop playing with Chinese handcuffs.

One final resolution: admit to myself that I don't have complete control of anything, so I should simply stop trying to change anything with useless resolutions. Just do my best, and roll with the punches.



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