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The cheapest car cures ever

April 2, 2014
By Larry DeHays , Fort Myers Beach Bulletin, Fort Myers Beach Observer

- The complaint: "When I turn the wheel as far as it will go to the left and back out of my driveway over a bump, it makes a thumping noise. Sometimes when I turn it all the way to the right, it does it too. It doesn't do it every time, just sometimes. It doesn't bother me much, but my wife complains about it."

- The cure: Stop turning so sharp. Alternatively, load your wife at the curb, after you've pulled out, so that she can't hear it. Bumps on sharp turns often make noise.

- The complaint: "When I'm driving out of the park in the mornings, there's a squeak coming from my car. It echoes off of the trailers on both sides. It's embarrassing to have all the people sitting on their patios look at me as I go by. I know they're talking about me at the clubhouse."

- The cure: When you drive out in the mornings, wear a wig and dark glasses. Or, have your brakes inspected. Some of the pads or shoes are probably glazed or thin. By the way, they're not trailers, they're manufactured homes. Get it right before you join them in the clubhouse.

- The complaint: "There's a rattling noise under my car when I hit a speed bump at 10 miles per hour. If I hit it at 20, it's even louder. What can I do to stop the noise?"

- The cure: Hit the bump at 70 mph. The broken part will fall off, and then it can't make any more noise. Or, have your sway bar bushings and shock bushings inspected. If you're hitting speed bumps at 20, you probably have a screw loose also.

- The complaint: "There's a fluttering noise coming from my dashboard. It gets louder if the air conditioner blows harder. It gets so loud I can't hear the lady on my GPS giving me directions to my appointments. I'm a salesman, so I use my car all day long. What could be wrong?"

- The cure: The air conditioning blower will have to be removed to have the paper cleaned from its housing. You have to stop throwing all of those business cards and parking tickets up on your dash. Some of them have slipped down your defroster ducts and landed in the blades of the blower. It should be nice and quiet in your car then, so you can listen to music. Real men don't need directions.

- The complaint: "My husband says that our car needs to be aligned, because there is a vibration at about 60 miles per hour and a shaking in the steering wheel and a bouncing like on a rough road, even when the road isn't rough. Does it really need alignment? I think it's a tire."

- The cure: You're right. You need a new tire, not an alignment. I often wonder -if a husband says something in the woods where his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

- The complaint: "I've got this great car. It's a 1966 Camaro. It's had the engine blue-printed, heavy duty suspension, four on the floor and dual glass-pack exhaust pipes, and I love it. The problem is that my wife hates it. She says it's too loud. She says it rides too rough. She says it's too hard to drive because it's a stick shift. She says the trunk is too small to carry her stuff when she goes to garage sales. She says I should grow up and get a respectable car. She says she is going to leave me if I don't get rid of it. I don't like modern cars. What should I do?"

- The cure: Are you kidding me? Keep the car.

 
 

 

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